‘Bank Street takes you right through the life of Wallace, with different businesses lining the street. At the intersection of 6th and Bank Street, you’ll see what is now the Center of the Universe. This decision was created based on the theory of probabilism and was perfected by the EPA. “If you can’t prove we aren’t the center of the universe, we therefore are.” It was officially declared in 2004 by Mayor Ron Garitone.

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I, Ron Garitone, Mayor of Wallace, Idaho, and all of its subjects, and being of sound body and mind, do hereby solemnly declare and proclaim Wallace to be the Center of the Universe.

Thanks to the newly discovered science of “Probalism” – specifically probalistic modeling, pioneered by the Environmental Protection Agency and the Department of Health and Welfare, and peer-reviewed by La Cosa Nostra and the Flat Earth Society – we were further able to pinpoint the exact center within the Center of the Universe; to wit: a sewer access cover slightly off-center from the intersection of Bank and Sixth Streets.

Upon discovering this desecration of the Center of the Universe, we proceeded forthwith to remove said manhole cover and replace it with this fine Monument, directing all who come upon it to the Four Corners of the Universe, these being the Bunker Hill, the Sunshine, the Lucky Friday and the Galena Mines. Let the courses of all who foray upon these vectors into the known and unknown be forever illuminated by the brilliant, shimmering gleanings of silver, lead and zinc to their destinations, wherever they may be.

The science of Probalism has its roots in the 2002 EPA Coeur d’Alene Basin Record of Decision, and as a syllogism expresses itself thusly: if a thing cannot be disproven, it is thereby proven. Thus if the communities of the Silver Valley cannot absolutely prove themselves to the EPA’s satisfaction to be good and healthy places to live, then this is proof that they require the EPA’s continued meddling in their affairs.

Similarly, after a search of the literature, our government-contracted scientists in Moscow, Boise and Seattle have, after years of diligence, been unable to unearth one scintilla of proof that Wallace is NOT the Center of the Universe. In the absence of such proof, we are compelled to conclude that Wallace must therefore BE the Center of the Universe.

It is hereby so ordered and declared, this year 2004, this date, September 25th, this hour, 9:00 PM WUT (Wallace Universal Time).

Journalist David Bond supplied the philosophical justification for this claim – “of being a spoof highlighting the EPA’s use of ‘unfalsifiable science of probabilism’ declaring the Silver Valley a superfund site”.